I Owe You {Confessions of Co-Parenting}

      At 23 years old and almost four years later, she found herself starting over.  She slumped on the couch with a sigh of relief as she looked around her newly rented, one bedroom apartment.  Her eyes danced through the empty space as if she could already see the memories that were to be made.  But first, she needed to unpack the home she once knew.  She found it ironic that so much of her life from the last 4 years could fit into such a small amount of boxes.  Not all of it was behind her though.  Lawyers, court dates, and unwanted conversations were eminent for the future.  What she had “left behind” was only a taste of what was to come.

     
     Music played from a box near the door. She walked over and pulled out the toy.  The blinking lights seemed to move as quickly as her thoughts until the song was over.  You see, she wasn't left alone.  She was now a single parent, responsible for another little life and soul.  The tears began to flow.  Each tear drop trickling down as she continued to unpack, as if they were counting the burdens she suddenly bore.

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      As the weeks passed, for the first time in her life she truly began to learn what it meant to love and provide.  She worked full time, and began to dance on her own two feet.  She thrived off of taking care of her daughter.  She found happiness and comfort in her family and friends.  She was seeing what it was to be free from lies and emotional abuse.  Her world was changing and her little girl was the center of it all. 

     
     But, the past was also still in the present, and even though it was miles away in another city she could feel its hot, hateful air breathing down her neck.  She could hear her doubts from years before, the cautious words from others, and the red flags loudly flapping in the wind as if they insisted she notice them. 

“If only she had listened” - those words she could no longer justify as she watched her beautiful little girl grow.  How can such a gift come from something that seemed so terrible?

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     The court hearing came and went.  Time passed by, bills were paid, and life went on.  Days were lost in the dreaded routine of every other weekend and meeting half-way.    Those weekends were full of questions and phone calls - How did she sleep? What did she eat? Where did you take her? Who was she with?  Did you brush her teeth? Did she get a bath?  Did she miss me?  And although there were answers for her daughter, there were still no answers for her.  She needed closure.  She longed for truth.  You see, even though this separation was for the better, it was full of loose ends and gaping holes.  The lies and cover ups, the other marriage, the other children, and the court’s overlooking the very thing that could have kept all of this from happening, began to haunt her.  She walked away from the final hearing with a new lease on life, everything she asked for (not much), and sole custody of her daughter, but she felt as if she had nothing of closure to enable her to move on.    

     
     She bottled the hate with kindness and focused on supporting the father/daughter bond.  After all, this was her child’s father.  Who was she to get in the way?  So she continued to meet him half way… she continued to try to be fair… she continued to overlook things that she as a parent would not accept… and they continued to disagree.

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Fast forward 8 years later, 2 more kids, one amazing father/step-father/husband, and then there’s the girl in the story above, who also happens to be me.

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     I wish it were a straight line.  I’d even settle for a square with corners - each one connecting the other with a new direction to the beginning of a better chapter.  But, it’s a circle. It’s a big fat round circle. We run ‘round and ‘round hoping to find resolution at the end. 

We fall dizzy.

It’s tiresome. 

It’s lonely. 

It’s heavy. 

It’s full of guilt.

It’s real.

It’s life. 

It can get ugly, and the truth is it might not ever change.

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I’m talking about co-parenting. 

Emotions are still buried.  I don’t think they will ever all come out.  It hasn't gotten any easier.

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     My life is not perfect.  My own selfishness, poor decisions, and sinful nature did not leave me those many years ago.   However, I am so very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, His forgiveness, His grace, His blessings, and everything He has given me even after all of the stupid decisions I have made.  I know we are only beginning to see how complicated this co-parenting thing can be.  It seems I still have the same struggles and disagreements with him as I did 8 years ago. 

    But, when these struggles and disagreements are a battle of right and wrong, of morals, and faith, what do you do? Where do you draw the line and, how far do you go to make sure your child has a relationship with her father?  I have always had full custody.  Why didn't I just keep her home a long time ago?  I have that right!  Right???

     The thing is, the pattern didn't stop with me.  I wish I was warned as there were others before me, but there have been others since.  It’s sad that children are being tossed in the middle of these broken relationships run by lust and living for self.  Are you going to sit back and watch it happen or will you do something about it?  When will the “other” parent see that their life isn't about them anymore? 

     

     I say to the “other” parent - Your children depend on you.  They look up to you. How can you be given such a great gift and responsibility just to toss it on the sidelines while you play your games?    Do you not see what you are teaching your children?  It isn't worth the harm you cause to put them in the middle while you find your “happy.”  Your happiness is right there in front of you asking you to read a book, sing a song, give another hug, or take another drink from the little pink cup at her tea party.

     Put your children FIRST.  When your children are not put first, they pay.  And you don’t see it because you aren't the ones who kiss their little foreheads goodnight, run your hands through their hair, and listen as they pray for your soul when you should be the ones praying for theirs.  It is your own responsibility to be a good parent.

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To my daughter- 

It is up to me to protect you – emotionally and physically.  It is also my duty to teach you right from wrong.  I am not afraid to take a stand.  I owe it to you.

Love always,

Mom

For those of you who would like to know more about my story and my testimony please don’t hesitate to ask.  I would be more than happy to share my past and how the Lord has brought me through it all as this is just a glimpse.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  This was a challenge to share as I have never spoken about my past in such a public way before, but I hope it reaches someone who might need some encouragement.